Problems of the Faith

I'm taking a break from translating You Su lan's Angel myth, not because of the problems I have with google translate but it's beginning to annoy me...

I never thought of myself as a conservative Christan, I've never boycotted a movie because it had the word "damn" in or not read Harry Potter or stopped playing RPGs because they had "magic" in but sometimes I do get pissed...

And it's the wrong kind of pissed, really... I haven't got much confidence really, i'm struggling to make that transition from child to adult and I don't have much confidence in my faith. Don't get me wrong, I love my God and will always be loyal but I hadn't read the bible in a while (i'm re-reading it now) and my faith had dwindled away, after I stopped going to Church as I didn't feel welcome in a place where most of the congregation were middle class, white people who stuck their nose up at a friend of mine who wanted to take pictures of the inside of the church. So my relationship with God was and is lacking, I feel i can no longer pray with conviction and I only pray once at night when i go to sleep.

However I can't argue my faith with an atheist and I get uncomfortable around people who slag off my faith, the bible says don't be ashamed so I do speak out but then feel stupid afterwards... -_-... I always had the idea of myself as a lowly servant of the Lord, one who can't argue theologically but believes and loves with all her heart.

Even now i'm not sure however, my love has been replaced with an avid fear of don't playing by the rules, Jesus spoke badly of these kind of people, those people who follow god's rules but have no love... I do love but I fear my wish to only do the right thing has encroached on it.

Anyway back to Angel Myth, I just can't deal with some of the things it says, like God is a liar and had shown propaganda to his angels and the devil is the underdog who just - can't - catch - a - break *sniff cry cry* straying once more into dark materials/neo-paradise lost era. Sometimes I feel so dirty translating those kind of phrases... her world building is so intent on judeo-christian myth I can't get away from it. However I keep going because i've never seen a character like Gabriel before, who inspires me.

I know these things shouldn't bother me, it wouldn't have done several years ago, after all that's her opinion and she's entitled to it and it's just a story but I just don't like it, i feel personally affronted and as guilty as ever!. I think it's because I don't know much about my faith anymore, about what is really written in the Bible and as I read more and more I feel guilty less and less, the God she writes about isn't my God, neither are her angels or her world.

So I may return later, but right now, I need a break.