Suffering and Shame

Right now I'm sort of lost at sea...

Being at university had exhausted me mentally and physically. I feel often that I can no longer continue, often I fall into sort of "breakdowns". It might just be a simple thing, an argument with one or both my parents, a teasing remark from a friend, an accidental embarrassment but that's enought to set me off.

When I get into these phases, I completely lose all control. I lose all my self esteem, become a pathetic wreck sobbing my heart out, believe I am alone in the world etc. etc. Often I have suicidal thoughts, but really I would never do such a thing (please don't think i'm so silly to do that), I want to live but sometimes the pain is so immense I can't bear to continue on.

I recently had one of these "breakdowns" a few days ago and i'm still reeling from it (I actually rang up the Samartians because I couldn't deal with it, I feel ashamed about that now because of the stigma (only suicidal maniacs ring them right?). My mind is completely in the air, after I got told that I might be suffering from depression.

Whatever I have, I want a name for it and if I don't have it, I want to move on with my life. It's so hard to work and have a relationship with people right now, I just don't have the energy.

So that's why I think I might leave Uni. I love my degree and my course but I just can't continue like this. Ugh...