Feeling Horrible

On friday, I finally got up the nerve to go into the Doctors again. I was sitting there on the computer for hours trying to pick which doctor I wanted. Eventually I picked the name of a nice sounding woman.

When I got there, I got lost XD, but thankfully some nice doctor helped me find her room. When I got in, the doctor recognised me, however because of my mental state last year (I can't even remember my 21st birthday) I didn't recognise her, so I was a little ashamed when she said "Oh it's me XXX XXX" and I didn't remember.

However I was glad to get a doctor who knows about me. I told her that I had had some bad times with my depression coming back and that I hadn't been able to go to lectures all week. She asked me when it happened and I said around my period as I always have bad PMT, she told me to take some more medication for it, which I was happy to do. I only have to take double just before my period and afterwards i'll go back to my normal dose.

I've been struggling this week, it was very bad on wednesday and thursday, I know when my depression comes back because the same phrase will repeat over and over in my head "what's the point in living" etc. etc. However usually I just laugh at myself, and say "you know what the point is" thankfully my OCD hasn't been bad, in fact i've been OCD free for a while now.

I'm running low on funds, because I buy a lot of video games to keep me occupied, so my mind doesn't wander. It's just until I can get a job.

I've been struggling socially as well. My best friend hasn't been on skype for several weeks as she's been travelling and I know that something is upsetting her, but she won't talk to me about it. I send her several facebook messages and she promises to come on on tuesday, hopefully I can figure out what's upsetting her then. Thankfully, Terry has been a lifesaver, I talk to him whenever I can and he tells me all his woes. Terry and I are very similar, so it's wonderful to talk to someone going through the same shit.

I worry constantly about my flatmate, whom I care about so dearly. It's a problem as we only hang out with each other, in a way we are a "couple" even though both of us are girls and straight LOL. This means I often get possessive, because of all the problems i've had with friends in the past. However I am certainly working on this, I am trying my best not to feel hurt when close friends of mine get boyfriends (however this is painful for me, because I am La Pucelle, the one "who stands in the shadows, while another gets the kiss of victory") or make other close friends. My worst fear is being replaced, because of the suffering it caused me before. Silly to think of that, the past doesn't reflect the present but it's hard to let go.

It's easy for me to write these things down, as i'm not ashamed of what I feel or how I act :D.